The percentage of breakups and divorces due to infidelity has increased greatly over the last decade and is a cause for great concern amongst couples in any stage of their relationship. The estimated facts and figures maybe greatly swayed by the simple fact that with newer technology people are able to keep tabs on each other with greater ease; this could mean that couples are not actually more likely to be unfaithful now, but are simply being caught more often. The issue of infidelity is one that has been discussed countless times over centuries of relationships and yet there is no firm solution, no safety net against it or fail-safe procedure to detect either the cause or the action. Many suffer from extreme cases of jealousy or insecurity, often the two are intermingled and can lead to the belief that their partner has or will be unfaithful at some point in the relationship. The very idea of infidelity can be enough to ruin a relationship simply because the trust, at least in one's mind, is broken; when one is unable to trust their partner the problem can manifest itself in many horrible ways and create an irresolvable tension between the two people. Before making accusations or causing oneself to suffer unconfirmed suspicions, one must always keep the power of the imagination, coupled with feelings of doubt in mind. Working through such doubts can be a difficult task for both people in the relationship; however most can be overcome if the lines of communication are open.
Overcoming Insecurity: Learning to trust your loved ones:
* Difficult though it may be, one must explain these feelings of doubt to one's partner; be sure to discuss whether or not they have contributed in some way to these feelings, if so perhaps some pattern of behavior can be altered now that it has been pointed out. Always be considerate of your loved ones, do not accuse them, simply let them know that you are having these feelings and if you are able try to pinpoint what triggers them. To share such deep feelings with one's partner is a difficult action to take and many might feel too embarrassed or vulnerable, however to share these feelings is an excellent first step toward gaining the very trust that one has been lacking.
* A common problem with insecurity is the tendency to smother one's partner: having to know where they are at all times and who they might be with, or even a constant need to be with them which in turn gives them little or no time to themselves. Part of trusting is not needing to "keep tabs" on the person you love, one should be able to trust their partner at all times, not just when one is around to observe their behavior. It is healthy to desire alone time, even in a new relationship people need time to reflect or concentrate on a variety of different parts of their life that make them who they are. Not only should one allow their partner to have plenty of time to be on their own, but enjoy this time to themselves as well. The constant need for company is most often a sign that one has a deeper issue that is being left unexpressed and therefore unresolved. Working toward the ability to enjoy both times together and apart allows for couples to be independent while still relying on each other.
* Especially for those who have a tendency to look for a deeper meaning in subtle words or actions it can be easy to misunderstand and believe the worst about your partner. The simple solution to this problem is to ask, to discuss and allow your partner to explain. Again, I would like to stress that to accuse is NOT to discuss; forcing one's partner to feel as if they are under constant scrutiny will most likely result in them pushing away from the relationship. However, to assume that one knows all that is being thought by their partner can result in needless worry and can most often be resolved by simply expressing one's curiosity or doubt, giving the person a chance to not only explain but reassure. It is difficult to deal with a very insecure partner, especially if one has done nothing to provoke such feelings, always remember that if you are the one who is trying to overcome these problems to be as patient and understanding of your partner's anxiety as they are with yours. The "lover's quarrel" is a famous situation, used countless times in literature, to create a dramatic environment between two people; the reader is kept in suspense as either one or both of the lovers remain ignorant of the true problem, usually resolved toward the end of the story (in more dramatic versions one or both lovers are dead before the truth is revealed.) Though the situation might seem too dramatic for real life it is a constant problem that people do not communicate their feelings or express their concerns about others actions. To keep a relationship strong one must voice one's thoughts and allow their partners to be explained, before assumption destroys it.
* One of the most common problems attributed to the inability to trust others is that one does not like oneself. As this is a complex and serious issue with many complex triggers and constructive solutions, I would simply like to mention that it is in many relationships at the core of insecurity and should be considered when attempting to build trust.
Though it is the responsibility of each person in a relationship to be honest and abide by the commitments that have ach agreed to, there are certain qualities and actions which can greatly increase the risk of driving a person into a state in which they are more likely to be unfaithful. With busy lives it is far too easy to overlook some of the most important aspects of a good relationship.
Becoming or staying close to your partner:
* Appreciation is one of the most common interactions to be dismissed in a relationship, often people take each other for granted, often this occurs due to a routine that involves tasks that are important to the relationship but occur so often that they become overlooked. A compliment or show of gratitude can go a long way toward bringing two people closer together.
* Make time for each other that goes beyond the daily routine; it doesn't have to be an expensive vacation, a simple day or weekend out can make for some amazing changes in a relationship. One must always keep in mind that toward the beginning of the relationship many things are new and exciting, to bring fresh activities or discussion topics into a stale atmosphere can do help to bring people closer together.
* There are many ways to be affectionate; from a simple kiss to a long night of passion, showing one's partner that they desire to be close to them physically instills a sense of closeness that cannot always be achieved with words. Even such simple signs of affection as a hug or kiss can bring warmth to a person's day and have a surprising affect on their mood. Always be sure that your feelings are shown not only in words but through actions to assure that your partner knows how much you care for them.
* If one is inclined to believe that their partner is unsatisfied with the sexual portion of their relationship it is healthy to inquire and discuss the possible actions that can be taken to assure that both people are pleased. Some expectations may strictly be of a fantastical nature and perhaps cannot be achieved, but often the simple desires between couples can be fulfilled if they take the time to share them with one another. The action of being unfaithful, when one has made a commitment to be faithful, often has little to do with sexual desire. Often those who find themselves cheating on their partners admit that they feel as though their relationship is lacking in some way and if the frustration of this problem had not occurred they might never have considered being unfaithful. It is the responsibility of both partners to discuss problems, however for many communicating with others is a difficult task. When one feels especially vulnerable because one is no longer receiving enough attention or affection from one's partner it can be difficult to discuss, as often one feels as though they are responsible for this decline. This is how many affairs begin, more often with simple attention, a person who makes one feel special when one's partner, at least in appearance, no longer seems to feel this way.
The unfortunate signs to look for: Is your partner unfaithful?
* One's partner is reluctant to divulge times, locations or the names of others they will be with when they are out, especially if this information was given freely earlier in the relationship. People desire the freedom of not having to answer to their partners and should be forced to ask permission as adults to go out and enjoy themselves, however, the courtesy of simply allowing one's partner to know what is taking place in one's life is not unreasonable.
* Drastic decrease or increase in displays of affection can both be signs that something in a relationship is amiss. These changes can be caused by many things, infidelity should never be assumed, however if one notices that this change has occurred in their relationship one might to do well to discuss it with their partner. Decreases in physical attention often indicate that one's partner does not feel as close as they may have at one time; this action is more often an emotional issue that can be cured with a little attention and reassurance. Though it might seem perplexing a drastic increase of affection can be just as much a sign of worry that a decrease can be; often those who are acting unfaithfully feel guilty and seek to rid themselves of it by overcompensation emotionally, physically and often monetarily with the buying of unexpected gifts. Never assume that if your loved one buys a non-holiday related gift that it is anything more than a sign of affection, however coupled with other changes in behavior it can be an indication that something is wrong.
* Secretive behavior is almost never a sign that a couple has a strong relationship, the inability to share personal issues is usually a sign that one or both people in the relationship lack trust. If one believes their partner to be keeping things, which are inappropriate to be secretive about, from them it is best to inquire, calmly and without accusations, about them.
With the exception of those couples who choose to keep their relationships open to including others, most people experience anxiety about infidelity at some point in their relationship, often these fears are unfounded and simply cause by how vulnerable deep feelings can make one feel. While there may not be a certain set of actions one can take to either detect or prevent such an occurrence in their relationship, if one remains attentive to their partner and maintains a level of openness and honesty one can almost certainly prevent the emotional distresses that often lead to these hurtful actions.
Written by Katt Chat for Village Matchmaker's Online dating reviews. Kattchat, your unofficial online dating and relationship advisor.
Many years of advice has enabled Alison (Katt) to diagnose specific problems and offer solutions on the subjects of dating and relationships. Visit http://www.villagematchmaker.com to read about helpful tips and submit questions of your own.
